call.

My thumb hovers against the dim screen as my mind races, but I can't make anything of it. This is the moment I've been waiting for, the moment that has plagued my mind ever since. Suddenly, my phone lit up and a picture of someone I've been wanting to see for the past 10 minutes pops up.

I can feel myself trembling. Stupid, I mock myself. What are you so worked up for? I brace myself to click the green button, making sure it's on speaker mode.

A soft voice greets me.

"Hey." It is you.

I grasp the edges of my phone tighter. You always manage to catch me off guard.

"Hey." I echo dumbly. 

"So, here we are." Your voice is always so soft. Like a feather carried by the summer wind. It almost seems like you always talk in a whisper. Your voice unhurried, calm, and yet so intoxicating.

"Are you there?" comes the whisper breaking my train of thoughts.

"Ah, yes," I reply hurriedly. "Sorry."

"No, it's fine."

"It's just–" You stop yourself. Not a single breath escapes me. 

"It's just–this is happening." You sound composed enough, as if you have put yourself back together.

"It is." I don't know any other way to respond.

"How are you anyway?" you always try to bring up the topic first.

"I'm kind of fine, I guess." I reply vaguely. I know I'm being indifferent, but I can't help it. With you, all the words and ideas that piled my mind are suddenly meaningless.

"To be honest, I feel lonely." I add, hoping that it doesn't ruin the mood. 

"Why? Why are you feeling that way?" you ask again. 

"I-I just miss a lot of people." Without any doubt, I answer. "I miss seeing them in person."

"I completely relate." Your husky voice is now filled with empathy.

I miss you. I want to say that. I want to scream that over the call, but my mouth stays shut.

"What about you?" I counter.

"I'm so tired, honestly. I feel like I'm burnt out."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

I can hear you chuckle over the line. "I'm used to it."

I roll my eyes. Classic you.

"I guess we just have to be each other's strength for anyone." Without any second thoughts, those words jumble through my mouth. 

You let out a laugh. That small laugh from the back of your throat that sounds almost like a scoff.

"I have to agree to that." You say.

I hope we found strength in each other, I silently wish. 

"Everything okay with–" I stop myself. "You know, your big day two weeks from now?"

"Yeah." You answer nonchalantly. "It's alright, I guess. I'm just kind of nervous."

"You got this." I reply weakly. I can feel my voice wavering.

"I hope so," you chime. "Otherwise, I don't know what I'll do."

"Don't say that." I quickly scold.

You'll have a great life ahead of you. You're brilliant. People like everything about you. You'll get that job you always dream of and start a beautiful family and have a long life.

Instead, I stay silent.

You just chuckle faintly. "What about you, though?" you always change the topic whenever I'm waiting for you to tell me something more.

"Never mind." I scoff, almost sounding like a whisper.

"Sorry?" seems like you don't catch that. My voice has never reached you, nor did you take enough time to listen.

"Why did you say 'it's finally happening' earlier?" instead, I throw that question enough to catch us both off guard. "Tell me."

"Well," it takes you a couple of seconds to finally answer. "You know it's been a while since we did–"

There's a deafening silence. I can hear my heart beating, escalating with every passing moment. The edges of my fingers almost slip as I await your response.

"–did this." You finally answer. 

"Did what?" I can feel the rising anger growing in me. I don't even know why I'm angry. I don't even know why one simple sentence can irritate me as much. I don't even know why I care in the first place. "This? Talking like a decent human being?"

"Hold on," I can hear your confusion. "Are you mad?"

I grit my teeth, cursing myself for losing my cool. 

"Are you mad at me?" your voice slits the air, sharp and headed straight to the core. I remind myself once more not to lash out at you.

"No," I said, smiling although no one else can see it. "I'm just–I'm just confirming it with you. Is that what you mean?"

There's that deafening silence again, as if you're calculating your answers inside your head.

"Well," you sound unsure. "Yeah, yeah."

"Cool." I said in response. Okay, it's okay. I told myself over and over.

It's okay if you don't see it the way I do. It's okay if I'm the only one who's waiting. It's okay to be the one on the receiving end. It's okay if you never really give a shit about my existence. It's okay to be the one longing for someone that will never–

"Okay." Suddenly, I can hear you, still as calm as the winter sky. "Cool,"

"Good luck." I told you for the billionth time that month. "Take care of yourself while you're away." I also have told you that a billionth time before.

"Of course." I can hear you chuckling lightly in the background. "You too, I know how careless you can be."

I shut my eyes, as if it would help me escape the tears that start pooling in the corners of my eyes. It's always in these moments that you carelessly let out something that my heart cannot overlook.

But you are far from done. "Be sure to get enough sleep. Believe in yourself. Don't stress out too much, okay? You'll be fine."

Shut up, I screamed inside my head. Shut up. Stop.

"I believe in you."

No. Stop. Don't continue.

As if my helpless wails inside my head can truly save me from what's about to come from your mouth.

"Always."

I whisk my phone away, concentrating on the rapid ups and downs of my chest. Trying hard not to give anything away. Trying hard not to start crying.

"Thank you." Is all I can manage to say, making sure to say it out loud so that my voice sounds normal.

"Anytime." Your voice still soothes my mind, no matter how much I've heard it.

"Hey,"

"Yeah?" there it goes again. Your soft, honey-filled voice. So pure. So sweet.

"Before we end this–this call, I just want to let you know,"

"Yeah?"

I gulped, feeling the weight settling deep inside.

"Hey, are you okay?" worry fills up your voice. "You don't sound good."

"You have bewitched me, body and soul." I said softly, but loud enough for you to hear.

Then I hang up.